Pains of getting old

I know that I'm just in a funky mood, but the reality is, I have been like this for a while. I've been worrying about this knee pain that I always seem to have. It will go away for a while, but when it comes back, it is so bad. But I have to hide and try to imagine that it isn't there.

When I go for walks, it's always there. At times, it feels like I almost can't take another step forward, but I still move forward. Thru all the hell of the past two plus years of knee issues, this right knee has never seemed right. The doctors never really found anything - everything sounded like, 'let's make this up and get her out of her care as soon as possible'.

My walking on the South Side is supposed to be my stress relief. I tell myself that I'm going to walk all the way out until my mind is not longer thinking of work or of home (and that sister of mine!). I start out and at first, I think, the knee is only warming up... it's only going to take a bit. But it doesn't seem to warm up. At some points, it feels like the back is hurting. As I cross the street and head towards the Sports Medicine Center and the Steelers training facilities, it hurts in the front and towards the bottom. Sometimes, it feels like there is a freaking fireball in there. It never is the same pain in the same area, but it just doesn't feel right.

So the walk to relieve stress becomes actually stressful as I try not to worry about this. If I was fine last year and no one could fine out what was going on, then nothing has changed. I haven't slammed it into anything. It hasn't been twisted. It just is the same thing as last year. My primary care feels that if I lose weight that it will help with the knee pain. So I go forward even more. Probably going beyond where I should, but I have to lose weight. That is the key to not only my knee pain, but the key to all the other things in my life that just isn't right - losing weight will fix everything.

By the time I turn around, I just want to be done. I even push it at that point. You would think knee pain would slow me down, but now.. I have to go faster. The faster I go, the longer I go, the more weight I'll lose. I have to make it back to the beginning in less time that it took me go out. I push and I even jog. And when I don't jog what I perceive to be long enough, I hate myself and I hate my knee.

Sometimes, I just wish someone would have the answer. I imagine walking past the Sports Medicine Center and someone stops me... that they have the answer, that they seem my limping (which I never do), and they know how to get rid of the pain.

And as I get back to the car, I wonder, what if this pain is just in my head? It is real, but I don't swell up anymore (not that I really want to look to see if I do). It is real, although there seems to be no lost of strength or lost of range of motion. So, what happens if this is all in my head?

God, the walking is my stress relief.... I need to walk. I need this. And now, if this is just something that I have to learn to deal with because I'm getting old... I don't want to get any older.