Evil Persona

Maybe it's not an evil persona, but maybe the belief that I like being the black cloud around the office. It's not who I am. Sometimes I have to embrace that identity - because that is what I need to do to survive in a stressful work environment where often no one really seems to be in control of anything. Sometimes, being evil is the only way to get anything done. Protect the network = being evil and not nice.

Often, it's the worst thing in the situation. If we aren't "happy-in-that-kumbaya-hands-joined-together-We-Are-The-World-and-all-that-other-mushy-crap-and-feel-good-self-help-guru-spiel" mood, that the person based in reality is ostracised - seen as the one bringing the group down or not being cooperative. My argument is that there are times for joining hands together and singing and there are other times when someone has to make a decision and make everyone else stick to it. Maybe I do that part of my job badly, but it doesn't mean I'm evil or anything.

They just don't get the stress that is placed on someone when projects have dragged on for two years. They don't get how painful it is to have successful projects be completed and credit given to other people (who weren't even involved!) -- but yet the project that has been going on forever is the first thing linked to you. I'm not even the Wicked Witch - although that survey says so (but that is also because I took the quiz 4 times and came up with the Cowardly Lion each time and I wanted someone cooler). And if I try to be that self-help-glass-half-full kind of person, the response is that I must be sick. It is a no-win situation where I don't even think there is an end in the game.

Most people at work have isolated me. They talk to me about the following topics: Computers & Weight Watchers. How sad is that? When I try to change the subject, they change it right back. I get a day full of "Do you want to hear about my techie problem at home?" and "How many points is a banana?". I'm struggling with other aspects of my life, because this is what I hear day in a day out. It's like I'm a flat object with no dimension. I want other things in my life. I want to say that I go out and do cool things. I want to have interesting discussions and let people know that there is more to me.

In the end, they don't really care. I'm the evil techie chick who thinks the world is falling. I couldn't be further from that label inside.

New Pepsi

I'm not much of a Pepsi drinking kind of gal. I like Mt. Dew - but not really Pepsi. The Pepsi Jazz - the Vanilla/Cherry variety was pretty good too. So have been fire and live wire Mt. Dew. I'm not so much into Pepsi, but this one was interesting in sound. Tropical flavors and all. Maybe it was just because I can't wait for vacation. Or maybe it was the use of "Summer" in a title of a drink while it was misty and gray outside - with a day a smudge away from May and I had to wear long sleeves!

It was hard to describe unless you have ever had tropical flavored sparkling water. It sort of tasted like they had mixed that water into the Pepsi. It wasn't bad. It sounded almost like it would be bad. But it was sort of good. I'm still very undecided about it. But, I'd probably try it again. I do like it more than I like regular Pepsi. It had caffeine and I needed it.

Another thing today that seemed like I had to mention was the fact that I'm sort of scared that I'm already thinking about the "mini-vacation" I want to take later this summer. It is probably a sign that a week away from work is not going to be enough. It might be a sign that vacation with mom may not be all the fun that it could be. I think it is a sign that I better start saving money for it -- because if I'm thinking about it, I'm going to need it.

It's not that I'm thinking of a specific place I want to go. In fact, I don't think it is going to matter much about where I got -- just that I go. Usually I don't get this sort of craving until I'm driving back from the vacation.

Today, I played a wii for the first time. Let's say I'm hooked. Mom -- she isn't too impressed that I'm hooked.

9 Days

I have nine days until vacation. I'm not gloating or anything. But I am using that day countdown as a trigger to remember all the things that I have to do -- for work and for home -- before I go. One of the most important things for me to figure out? I need to find out how to post with my blackberry to my blog. Some would think that I'm slightly insane for worrying about that - but I'm not. I have a reason behind this.

Each night, before I turn it in and go to sleep, I spend at least an hour on the computer. It gives my brain some time to wind down and to get into the sleeping mode. Some would suggest that reading a book may do the same thing, but usually reading a book takes longer. I'll have books along on vacation too -- but since my mom likes a lot of "laid back days" on vacation (translation: Read books all day on the deck of the Condo), I can't rely upon books at night. So, if I spend some time posting to the blog, my friends can know what is up - if I have seen any yummy eye candy, what crazy idea my mom has come up with or realize how much I need to find a way to have a vacation WITHOUT my mom.

But now I'm off track. I have the quick list of tasks that need to be done before the trip. Some of them are really, really important.

1. Work - Yep. Got a ton of it. Not all of it is going to get done. Most of it is out of my control.
2. PJ's - I need a matching pair. I always manage to get the bottoms ripped or the shirt shrunk. I always try to vacation with a new sleeping outfit. Sometimes it will make it a month.
3. Car stuff -- not just the travel candy and cleaning the car out. I have to get new wipers and a light. I've been saying this now for over a month. But I REALLY have to do it now.
4. Music - I've been all over the place with music. I've been holding off on the new Joss Stone. I've been all over this British kick over at last.fm.
5. Music Playlist for the Car -- Yeah, I don't like to play System of A Down with mom in the car. Got to make safe play lists for the iPod.
6. Headbands -- my hair is driving me nuts. Its long but short.

Well, I feel almost guilty for not attacking the "Work" list -- but I'm really tired of the 45+ hour weeks -- where I'm not where near getting paid for the extra hours. I usually don't brustle too much about it, but this is what happens near vacation time.

Insert Starbucks Here

Last night, when I was trying to sleep, I was planning on what I was going to write this morning. Perhaps I should have written it right then, but the computer was turned off and the lights were off. I know - excuses - and now, I don't know if I'll write about what I was going to write about.

It being a Wednesday, it's already is lining up to be slow down. My mind isn't on things. I keep thinking about vacation - which doesn't seem to be coming up any sooner - it seems to be getting further and further away.

Plus, it is a busy Wednesday. I know, my friends are all rolling their eyes. All Wednesdays are busy for me. Practically every day is jammed pack. But this is one of those days where I have a lot of meetings scheduled. That is the difference. A big difference. Days that have too many meetings usually mean that the "To Do" list expands quickly and before I know it, it's three pages long!

Others are starting to show up for work. Its really nice when you are one of the first ones in, sitting with your favorite Starbucks, and actually getting things off the "To Do" list. But now, the person who has arrived will bring an end to that.

Oh, and by the way - I may finally get air conditioning in my server room again. Only 3 1/2 weeks after the unit broke.

4:32 pm - Monday

It's been a long day - the weather outside is beautiful (although it is starting to drizzle), and I'm stuck here. It isn't a bad thing. I had to bribe one of the trio of boy techies to come in and do some work for me that I didn't want to pay for.

Now, bribing for me is common. I don't know if the trio of boy techies (3bt's) do this because they like the bribes (which usually ends up being food or drink or any other combination) or because they are honest and nice guys. Sometimes everyone here thinks that the 3bt's are wrapped around my finger. Today is one of those days. I have this huge battery backup that needs to be placed. It's heavy. It's cumbersome. And my server room is TRASHED.

But what sucks is that my feet hurt. I got brand new Clarks and with it being warm outside, my toes sang out "Free at last!" this morning. There was no way that they were going into tennis shoes or anything else. But breaking in sandals on a long day is never a good sign. I'm sitting at my desk, waiting for the chosen 3bt to show up, with my shoes off.

Plus, I've had to borrow someone's extra t-shirt. It is out of modesty that I do this. The equipment that is being moved into the server room is heavy and I need to help. I can't be worrying about my plunging shirt showing too much. So I have to wear a t-shirt. I just have too.

So, now I have to figure out how long I'm going to be here, be jealous that my friend got a Wii!, and tied for time as now I have to make an entree for pot luck lunch tomorrow.

Fear & Being Careful

I remember a lot of key people in my life. There was the math teacher in elementary school who believed in me. There was the coach in middle school that made the days go by a lot better. There was the family members that did that too. I just bring this up because I think it has taken me a long time to admit that maybe some of the advice that was given back then, was meant to be well, but changed the person I was to something that I didn't expected - to something that no one expected.

It's not going to change my opinion of the coach in middle school. I don't know how many times I was ready to entirely withdraw into my own little world and his humor would drag me back into the social world around him. He understood what I was going thru while my father was having his second heart surgery at the beginning of my 8th grade year. He was also there when I was hurt. And boy did I ever get hurt. Knee - ankle - hip -- if it was attached to my right leg, it was hurt.

Going into high school, I was facing surgery. I was scared of what I was going to do afterwards. I had lost a lot of my friends because they were playing soccer and I was waiting to go underneath the knife. I went and saw him the night before the surgery. He comforted me and told me that things would be fine. But that spring, while I was thinking of playing ball, it just didn't seem to hold the fire that it once did. Something had changed. It was perhaps his suggestion that I needed to be careful with my leg, because I'd want to walk without pain when I was 30.

Now that I'm about to be that age, I look back and see how I became so careful. It's scary. I'm not the same type of person that I was when I played sports. Did his one comment impact more than just sports and friends? I'm always so afraid that what I do now might permanently impact something down the line. But then, am I missing out on things now?

This probably wouldn't even be a thought if it wasn't for the knee going bad again. Last year, when it was hurting again - I had to fight to get back what I wanted to - to walk the trail on the South Side. Then, when it was better, I didn't want to be released from Physical Therapy. In fact, it scared the shit out of me. I felt that I was ready.

And then it was suggested, that my goal of just walking 5 K's and perhaps the one 10 K Great Race was actually short changing myself. At first, the thought that I could do more than that - was insane. Who would even suggest that a half marathon was possible for me?

I know it wasn't meant to be one of those comments that I would think about a lot. It was some sort of motivation to get me out there and continuing to move. (Although it did take me two to three weeks to finally walk a hill). But I look back and I entirely wonder - how much have I short changed my life? How many times have I written off things as being things I couldn't do? Does this all go back to being careful -- to be able to walk when I'm 30.

I'm going to be that age... and I can walk. I can do a lot of other things too. It's just time to start exploring those other things again.

Took this Geeka way to long to get a blog

Maybe it was today when I realized that I used the gist of my best friend's statement "it's a feature, not a defect" - that the mental little bell went off in my head. Time to get a blog.

I actually used the phrase "it's not a flaw, it's a quirk". I think it should actually be engraved on every computer that is at work. It would make life for this gal, way easier. All the crazy I-don't-even-know-what-you-mean-by-'start button' idiots may understand that phrase.

But the big news of the day is that the PG's newest guy was in the builiding. Maybe it was the look on the PG's face that gave it away. That kind of womanly-pregnant-glow that happens to the PG when man of interest is nearby. Way too tall for the PG - but then.....